Who am I, if I am not who I think I am?
It’s the biggest question I think we can attempt to answer, in all honesty.
Out of habit, most of us reach for answers like our name, what we do for a living, maybe our star sign…
But those are really just constructs that help to label us. They aren’t actually even close to explaining WHO we really are.
When we scrub those answers off the table, we might dig in a little deeper and say things like:
“I am a kind person.”
“I am a happy person.”
“I volunteer and do charity work.”
“I am funny.”
Sure, those are parts of our social identity and they’re aspects of how we show up in the world… and yet, they still somehow feel like they fall short of REALLY explaining who we are.
ACTIVITY – Write down 5 ways you would describe yourself to someone else.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Recently, I found myself working through “something” that words seemed to fall short of being able to explain. I had this sense of unravelling, yet not being able to bring actualisation to the process going on inside me. It felt like everyday a new contemplation was popping up and with it, a cascade of BIG emotions.
It was scary. I felt out of control and anxious.
After a while, I began asking the question “Who am I if I let go of the burdens I carry?”
Whoa.
So, I sat and I diligently meditated. I waited and no clarity seemed to emerge.
Then the counter punch came whilst I was driving. It was brutal.
I was on a bridge and I was feeling a bit unwell with a cold. Out of nowhere a thought popped into my head – “What if you’re depressed and you drove off this bridge?”
Thoughts are little bitches like that. We don’t know what the next one is going to be and this one felt so out of alignment with me, that I immediately started to hyperventilate and panic.
Now, for some people, they can have those thoughts and just shrug them off, but in that moment, it felt visceral and REAL in my body. I somehow managed to get home and threw myself under my covers and let myself go through the fear in my body.
It was incredibly difficult to stay still in the heaviness of it all – when my fight or flight reflexes were in overdrive. But avoidance is anxieties best friend and like a knock at the door, it will only get louder and more persistent.
Anyway, the counter punch to my initial question of “who am I if I let go of the burdens I carry?” was this “What is the purpose of existence?”
The energy of that feeling I had on the bridge followed me for several days, until the question became clear.
And the enormity of that question really challenged me.
I did not like it. It felt uncomfortable, but like in a school yard fight, I had to admit that I had started it.
Now, you’re probably thinking, goodness, is she going to give us the answer to this huge existential question?
Well, yes and no.
I’ve spent a lot of time in contemplation of this and found myself unpacking it with people far wiser people than myself.
What I have concluded is this – You can perhaps take a nihilistic point of view and decide that this is it. There is nothing beyond this life, this time and this existence. And if that’s the case, you might as well squeeze every drop out of life and enjoy it without remorse.
The other, which I personally lean toward, is that it ALL matters. That we exist now for a reason. That there is a god/creator/source/universe (you choose whatever word you feel comfortable with) and that we are here to simply experience whatever we are doing.
Because we really don’t, do we?
How often do we stop and observe an insect, just going about its life, not worrying about if its supposed to be doing it or not.
We are servants to our to-do lists and distraction.
We are slaves to our own minds.
We lose sight of the present moment. Our life becomes a destination, not a journey.
I quite like the saying “wherever you are, there you’ll be.”
I had been feeling like I had lost that spark in my life. Like I was just on autopilot and really questioning what I had to offer now.
I’d become a mum and lost myself in caring for everyone else, putting myself last.
Working my way through this huge energy and feeling has taken a great deal of patience, because I have to continuously remind myself that to slow down and just witness and experience what is happening at any moment.
That more often than not, we are searching for some big revelation outside of ourself to explain who we are and what we are supposed to be doing.
What if whatever you are doing right now, is actually your purpose?
The next thing I had to sit with, was recognising that my thoughts are not WHO I am either.
You know, that running commentary that seems to operate without your consent?
We’ve all got what would be defined as the ego. The part of us that forms when we are young to help us navigate the world and bring language to what we encounter. It is super functional and we need it – otherwise, we’d probably just stare at a wall all day with no motivation.
But circling back to one of my first questions, how would you explain yourself to someone else… well, this is the ego defining its identity. How it wants to be represented to the world.
This is the part of us we show to those around us to varying degrees. We don’t behave the same in front of our boss as we would in front of our kids. We decide, through thought and ego, what we should say and behave in certain situations.
By now, you might be thoroughly confused.
If I am not my thoughts and I am not my identity and my purpose is to just BE in moment I am in, then who am I?
Now we are getting somewhere.
You’re probably not going to find the answer any easier to digest just yet.
I am certainly still trying to wrap my head around all of this.
We are NOT who we think we are.
Because the mind is what thinks.
We are both nothing and everything all at once.
We are the stillness behind the noise – what you might call the soul, the spirit or the seat of self. This is the part of us that is here to FEEL and experience. The one that beats our heart and breathes our lungs.
Have you ever stopped to wonder how any of that is possible?
There’s this place within us that is connected to everything and everyone.
And that part of me was screaming to be heard when I had that panic attack on the bridge. And often, we neglect the BEING within us in favour of the external world. It’s only when we hit a breaking point that we unravel and have no choice but to turn inward.
As one of the great teachers, Jesus said “Be in this world, not of this world.”
The capacity for expansion lies beyond what we see and hear in the physical world. Western culture has tried to remove the spiritual in favour of science and fact. But we are now seeing more prescriptions for anti-depressants than ever before. We are encouraged to look for answers in sex, drugs, alcohol, social media, shopping and the superficial.
Everything outside of ourselves.
When a person doesn’t behave in a way, we want them to, it disrupts our inner world.
When a situation doesn’t go to plan, it disrupts our inner world.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that control is an illusion and that we have to first build a relationship with our self. There’s a nourishment in developing a safe space within ourself first.
That we first have to fall in love with ourself.
And that my friend, is the hardest thing to do. There’s always this niggling little voice that says, “Yer, yer, but if everyone saw the REAL me, they’d abandon me. They’d hate me.”
One of my favourite teachers from Living Oneness, Mark Pheely, actually demonstrated that when we look into someone’s eyes and really see them, we can’t help but love them. And if we look long and deep enough, we see ourselves reflected back to us. This is the connection of everything.
Let’s start with something a little less confronting than that.
ACTVITY – Spend five minutes looking into a mirror at your own eyes. Notice what you see. Is it difficult? Write down what you observe.
The next activity is becoming aware of your thoughts. I would encourage building a meditation practice for this. It’s a bit challenging at the start, but that’s why it is called a practice.
There’s a great app that I’ve been using called Insight Timer. It’s free and has thousands of different styles to choose from. I’d suggest starting with short, five to ten minute breathing meditations.
Once you’ve got a few sessions under your belt, maybe write down some of the thoughts you notice.
How often do you entertain thoughts that do not support your highest being?
Example – “I must be the only mum who feels resentful of not getting enough time to relax. Everyone seems like they’ve got it figured out.”
This is just the beginning of your journey inward and it can feel overwhelming at the start. It took me a bit of perseverance too.
I believe in you and you can do this.
A great reference to further your insight on this concept is here – https://youtu.be/Ym4Rpd72tq8
RESET has been intuitively developed over several years, by Keely, who uses her understanding and experience to guide her community to a deeper sense of connection with the self.
Throughout this journey, you will learn:
– How to tune into “big” emotions and not be overwhelmed by then
– Recognise certain habits and behaviours that have been holding you hostage
– Release at is no longer serving you with ease and grace
– Find a safe place inside yourself
– Connect deeply with your heart and flourish in relationships
This is all served from the wisdom and love that resides within all of us. You are just being brought back to what you have always known.
RESET is designed to take the student on a 4 week journey – but truly, there is no real end point to this path of re-discovery.
Throughout this process, you will be encouraged through the following methods:
– Autonomous learning. There are several online video’s and audio’s you are given to work through.
– Worksheets. You are given reflection activities that will deepen your contemplation and help you unpack your inner wisdom.
– Weekly community meetings via zoom. This is our opportunity to connect in with the beautiful souls working through this program and share our insights and questions.
– Plugging into the Facebook group. This is our sacred space for sharing and staying connected.
– Weekly yin yoga and meditation classes, running Tuesday and Thursday evenings.
– The option to book private sessions with Keely, if you feel you need more support.
