The shadow self
Shadow work became popularised by Carl jung, where he spoke about the repressed part of our personality.
“What oneself, as well as others thinks one is, the shadow is that hidden, repressed, and for the most part inferior and guilt-ridden personality whose ultimate ramifications reach back into the realm of our animal ancestors.” Carl Jung.
We learn from an early age to develop a persona. It has to be somewhat desirable and able to assimilate into a functioning society. This behaviour is usually first modelled to us by our parents and close family and then broadens as we get older. By the time we reach school age, we’ve already began to establish an identity or present socially acceptable personality traits.
It vital, as social creatures, wanting to be accepted by our peers, that we find ways to suppress our less “desirable” impulses and emotions.
This is often what becomes our shadow self.
We begin to over-identify with only the “acceptable” parts of ourselves and can start to believe that this is the whole, integrated self. We reject the parts of ourselves that feel “wrong.”
This can often become that background voice in our head that’s manifesting as anxiety, self limiting beliefs, self sabotage, rage and so on.
From my own experience in doing this work, I’ve found that the cycles that began to feel repetitive in my life traced back to my early childhood. I learned that if I was cute, entertaining and bubbly, then I would get more positive attention from my family.
I was the oldest grandchild in a large family and so was often told that I was responsible for how the other kids behaved and that I was more of a leader.
Showing big emotions like anger lead to being punished, so I would just shut down instead.
When I arrived at puberty, I was sent away for my first overnight camp at a new high school with a group of strangers. It triggered a traumatic response in me and I found myself facing anxiety for the first time in my life. It was only after months of withdrawn behaviour that my mum confronted me and explained what it was and that she’d been living with it her whole life. Her exact words to me were “I am so sorry that I have passed this onto you.”
Somewhere in my psyche, I filed that away as what I was feeling as being “wrong” and that it should be hidden. Without understanding, that became part of my shadow.
And I had this sense throughout my teens and twenties that I was an imposter of sorts. That nobody really “knew the real me” because if they did, then they’d reject me.
The shadow is a real part of us and it just longs to be integrated into our wholeness.
It’s just so hard to sit with the parts of ourselves that are almost childlike in their underdevelopment. To experience repressed emotion in an almost out of control way, in the essence of a toddler, is overwhelming and for some too frightening.
I know for me, there has been times when I’ve been avoiding or ignoring “undesirable” shadows and after a while, they will steamroll me into silence.
It starts with a niggling anxious thought – maybe something that feels out of alignment with “me.”
And my “me” I am referring to the true self, the witness, which is just sitting in a space of unconditional love. By recognising that as my true self, my identity has developed around values, beliefs and ideologies that feel in alignment to that.
So when these “intrusive” anxious thoughts emerge, there’s often innate wisdom that accompanies it. It’s my shadow, my more vulnerable parts that’s are feeling afraid. Again, this can stem back to the inner child, the raw, baser emotions we had, but repressed for fear of rejection, punishment or abandonment.
If I push them away, then it’s like saying to a child “go away and come back later.” Because it will. This time louder and more insistent.
Until there is no capacity to ignore it and the shadow will make itself known. Sometimes with big consequences.
It could be an huge outburst where things get broken, substance abuse or absolute emotional turmoil.
The shadow is not inherently bad. It’s part of you and it wants love and acceptance too. It wants to be integrated.
From what I understand, when we do this work and begin to understand how to integrate the repressed parts of ourself, we begin to truly heal and in some ways, take off the mask we constantly wear.
There’s no more pressure to be a certain way, because you just are always being you, not a version of you.
This takes tremendous effort and patience, because it’s not easy to unravel the story of who we think we are.
Ways to practice shadow work:
1. Seek a therapist trained to guide you in this method or if you’re a bit more experienced in this realm, you can choose to start working on it by yourself.
2. Practice spotting your shadow. Observe thoughts and emotions that seem out of the ordinary.
3. Embrace your inner child. A lot of repression starts here, so it stands to reason to also start here.
4. Avoid shaming your shadow traits, feelings or qualities. Remember, it just wants to be acknowledged and integrated.
5. Meditation is a great way to use visualisations and stillness to allow deeper insight to manifest.
6. Keep a journal. Write down the thoughts and feelings of the shadow. This can also be used to keep a track of your dreams. Dreams are also a time when the deeper layers of our subconscious will communicate with us.
You might be thinking, well why would I want to put myself through tall of that, only to have to confront all this hard stuff?
Well, for many who’ve travelled this road, they describe it as transformative. Almost like a superpower. Because suddenly, many triggers have disappeared and there’s less fear around people “discovering” them.
With this integration comes a deeper sense of self-acceptance and in turn allows us to live far mor heart centred, not needing to project our own unconscious shadows onto others.
